Turmoil
by JC4ever
Summary: Missing our favorite detective team over the summer, so I thought I'd take them out to play.
1. Chapter 1

_AN: I have been so enjoying the BA shippers fic, that I thought I'd warm up my skills and post one here. This will eventually be a multi-part series. Standard disclaimers apply. _

**Turmoil **

Alex Eames sighed. This was not what she wanted to do, sit in the courthouse all day. She wasn't supposed to be the one testifying anyway-her partner was. Her partner. Robert Goren. Bobby. Her alleged partner and best friend. Just the thought of him had her seething. He had always been reticent to share much about his private life, kept a certain boundary in their friendship. Lately those boundaries had started to blur a bit. They were talking more about their lives before their partnership, spending more time together outside of work. And then the daughter of Goren's mentor kidnapped and tried to kill Alex. The tentative bond between the partners strengthened. Many a night Alex awakened, screaming from nightmares. It had gotten so bad at one point that they were practically living together, with Alex sleeping on Bobby's couch or vice versa.

But that was "before." And this was "after." After Bobby's blow-up at Thanksgiving. She'd never seen him so overtly angry. Well, maybe at Captain Ross or ADA Ron Carver, or a suspect, but not in the bullpen, and certainly never directed at her. The Bobby that day was a stranger. His behavior at Thanksgiving had first shocked her, then frightened her. Was this the end of their partnership and friendship?

"Detective Eames?" the voice of the court officer broke into her thoughts. "Your turn at bat."

"Yeah," she shook her head. "Thanks, Will," she pasted on her best cool, professional demeanor as she shoved the heavy door open. Never again would she walk into a courtroom without the memory of the Garrett case. Bitter experience had taught her that she should expect anything. Luckily, the defense attorney was just shy of a moron, and the judge was a former ADA. In other words, pro-prosecution. Her testimony was succinct and effective. Alex breathed a sigh of relief as she cleared the courthouse steps.

After his blow-up and near-firing at Thanksgiving, she'd tried to distance herself emotionally from Bobby. Other than a superficial call to tell her was staying at a motel near Carmel Ridge, he'd done the same for nearly two weeks. At work she said and did all the correct things, and when she would talk to her family, she was careful not to mention Bobby. When asked, she would give the standard answer, "Bobby is taking some personal time. His mother is very ill, and he needs to be there for her." And there were the usual Eames family Christmas preparations to keep her busy: decorating, shopping, taking her beloved Nathan to see Santa at the mall. At age 3, he was getting the idea what Christmas and presents were all about. Aunt Alex went online and did one of those "personal" letters from Santa. Granted, he couldn't read, but the pretty stationery itself was treat enough for the little boy she'd carried under her heart for nine months.

Alex did her best, but getting in the holiday spirit was hard this year. With her partner gone, her workload had virtually doubled at Major Case. Keeping busy occupied her mind, but in the quiet of the night, her heart hurt. She lay in bed one Friday night, staring at the ceiling. Forty years old, and sleeping alone. She choked back tears. No, she couldn't go there. Joe, a ghost for eight years. He'd been gone from her nearly as many years as they'd been married. So long, he scarcely seemed real. When she dreamed now, Bobby was the one who possessed her body and soul. He held her close, made her laugh, and quenched her desire. If wishing would make it so...

Alex woke Saturday morning, determined to shake Bobby from her brain. After running in the sunny bitter cold for an hour, she returned home to haul out boxes of Christmas decorations. Her sister Colleen arrived with Nathan, bearing supplies for baking sugar cookies. Over lunch the sisters traded family gossip, argued the merits of real versus fake Christmas trees, and watched Nathan proudly throw tinsel on the tree, the carpet and his hair. Christmas music filled the kitchen as the buttery, sugary, vanilla aroma wafted through the bungalow. The counters were littered with sugar, candy sprinkles and frosting.

Colleen broached the subject timidly as her sister seemed more relaxed. "So, have you heard from Bobby?"

Alex's face darkened, "No."

"Where's Uncle Bobby? I miss him! We haven't even played with my birthday train." Nathan piped up.

"He's taking care of his mommy, she's very sick," Alex explained gently.

"Oh." Even at three, he realized when his "tummy mommy" was upset. He hugged her legs as she stood at the counter.

She picked him up and kissed his floury cheek. "How 'bout you help me put the sprinkles on?"

"We're not done talking about this," Colleen hissed.

"Yes, we are," Alex turned her attention to Nathan.

Around two thirty, Nathan's eyes began to droop. "Hey, little man, how about a nap?" his mother rustled the mop of strawberry blond hair.

"No, I'm not sleep.." his words were interrupted by a huge yawn.

"Tell ya what, Nathan," Alex scooped him into her arms. "How about we read a story and rock awhile?"

"Can I have a cookie with my story?" he grinned.

"Sure," Alex nuzzled the little boy's cheek. "But you're sweet enough!"

Colleen loaded the dishwasher and cleaned the counters while her sister's soft voice drifted from the next room. Her heart ached as she listened. "Bobby Goren, you're a bastard," Colleen muttered inwardly. "You should have given her her own baby years ago."

She walked back into the living room to find her son and her big sister sound asleep.

Dark clouds were obliterating the late afternoon sun as Colleen and Nathan got ready to leave.

"Bundle up, the wind is fierce, Colly," she hugged her sister affectionately.

"You treat me like I'm still your baby sister, Lexie," she protested laughingly.

"You'll _always_ be my baby sister," Alex kissed her cheek. "And thanks for coming today-it helped a lot."

"And _you_," she turned her attention to Nathan. "Save a few cookies for your daddy."

Alex stood at the window, waving as they pulled away. She smiled as she flipped the timer on for her outside Christmas lights. "I really am lucky. I have my family," she reminded herself.

She was dozing on the sofa, only to be wakened by someone pounding on her door.. She sat straight up, the vestiges of a nightmare clouding her reasoning. Alex's hand reached for the gun next to her, one of her habits since Jo Gage.

She brushed the hair from her face as she made her way to the door. "Who is it?"

"It's me, E-Eames. Bobby," the voice stammered.

She pulled back the curtain and glared at him, "What the hell do you want?"

"I-uh, brought you dinner," He waved a bag and a bottle of wine.

She flipped the locks, and stood in the open doorway, speechless. Anger, relief and joy warred in her mind.

The wind was whipping furiously, throwing frozen precipitation inside.

"Had dinner yet?" he attempted a charming smile.

"It's after ten, what do you think?" she countered icily, gripping the gun in one hand.

"For Chrissakes, don't shoot," he protested.

"What? Oh, yeah," she set the gun on the hall table, but stood her ground.

"May-may I come in?" he stammered as the sleet stung his face.

"Depends," she answered, shrugging her shoulders.

"Look, it's damn cold out here," he groaned. "Do you want me to beg?"

Alex's expression was stony. "It'd be a start."

He rolled his eyes. "Aren't you freezing?" he queried, looking at the t shirt and sweats she was wearing. He tried to avoid the fact she was braless.

"As a matter of fact, yes," she moved to shut the door.

"Damn it, I am sorry. Is that what you wanted to hear?" he blocked her move with the hand that held the food.

She snatched the bag from his hand and strode into the living room, "That's a piss poor apology," she spat, not bothering to make eye contact with him.

Bobby trailed after, shutting the door before she could change her mind.

Alex disappeared into the kitchen, slamming cupboard doors, and turning on the microwave.

He dropped his coat on the nearest chair, at a loss. He was so glad to see her, his throat hurt. But maybe he should have called...his reverie was broken by Alex's voice.

"Well, if you brought all this, we might as well eat it," she laid plates, silver and two wine glasses on the coffee table.

He grabbed her wrist, "I said I'm sorry."

"I heard you," she whispered, looking suddenly small and lost.

The next minute they were clutching each other desperately, not saying a word.

Finally, Bobby gently held her away from him, "I missed you."

She held her tear-stained face up to his. "Missed you, too," she sniffed.

As he moved in to kiss her, she sat abruptly on the couch started in on the rewarmed Italian dinner. "But I'm still mad."

He sighed and sat at the opposite end. "The place looks really Christmasy," he commented as he, too began eating.

"Colleen and Nathan were here today, they were a great help," she replied.

"You are so lucky to have your family," his tone was envious.

Immediately she felt guilty, "I know. And I'm sorry, I know family is a sensitive subject."

"It's all right," he replied.

By her third glass of wine, Alex seemed to soften. "How's your mom?"

Bobby's expression closed slightly, "Weaker."

"Boy, do you need an education, Bobby! Don't do this to me, to us," she pleaded.

"It's hard for me to share, you know that," he chided.

"But I'm not just anyone, partner, am I?" Alex prodded.

"No, but I don't expect you to share the burden, especially after what happened with Declan and Jo..." he responded, guilt evident in his features.

She rolled her eyes, "For the thousandth time, I don't blame you for that!"

"But I blame myself," he said softly. "I can't help it."

"Let me help you the way you helped me," she insisted. "Let me in."

Bobby sighed and began speaking haltingly. Of his mother's deteriorating mental and physical condition. How all Frances Goren wanted was to see number one and favorite son, Frank. That Bobby was conspiring to make her sicker, yet demanding he be there 24/7. He spoke of his feeling of failure, of not being the son his mom wanted, that he couldn't even ease her pain.

"See, you _can_ find the words," Alex was sitting tightly by his side. "You are the most loving, caring son anyone could ask for. The way you've taken care of your mom...maybe her disease isn't letting her see that, but _I_ see it. It's a wonder you've been able to hold it together for all these years. Let someone care for _you_ for a change."

"Ea-Alex, my fierce, protective friend," he stroked her hair absently. "You know how much I love you."

"Still nice to hear. I love you too, Bobby," she let the tears roll down her cheeks.

"Aw, don't...sweetheart, please..." Bobby lifted her face to his and pressed his lips to her eyes, her cheeks, her nose, and finally settled on her lips.

Alex felt her senses dissolving into bliss. She opened her mouth and enticed him with the tip of her tongue, taking pleasure in his soft groan, the feel of their tongues doing a slow tango.

Bobby's hand moved towards her breast, his thumb stroking her nipple through the thin cotton.

"Mmm, like that," she mewled, trying to crawl into his lap.

Cold reason invaded Bobby's mind, "W-we should stop," he stammered against her mouth, moving his hand back reluctantly.

She grabbed his fingers, trying to finesse him back to the carnal pleasure they'd started. "No, we shouldn't. Tired of brakes."

"Eames, no. Not like this. Not for the wrong reason," he broke the kiss and threw his head back against the couch cushions.

"We love each other, Bobby," Alex shivered as their embrace broke. "Reason enough."

"I don't want this to be about pity or guilt or..." he tried to find the right words.

"Or desire? It's not a dirty word, Bobby," she sighed.

"Just a little while ago, you were ready to toss my ass in the cold," he reminded her.

"I know, what the hell was wrong with me?" she nibbled at his stubble-covered jaw.

"I didn't come here tonight to..." Damn, she was good at that, Bobby groaned inwardly.

"...come?" she giggled at her pun. "But it's so much fun."

He laughed in spite of himself, "Eames, I think you're drunk."

"Nope, just a little tipsy," her hand wandered into his lap.

"Okay, okay, that's it," he managed to stand. "I can't think when you do that."

Her expression sobered, "Don't have to think, you don't have to analyze _everything_."

He pulled her to her feet, "Look at me," he commanded.

Her expression was sullen, but she complied.

"I'm not saying this won't happen. But it's not going to happen until it's right for both of us. We've both got a lot to work out until it does," Bobby insisted.

She held his gaze for a long while and then squeaked, "I _hate_ it when you're right."

He laughed heartily, and kissed her forehead, "Go to bed. I'll call you in the morning." He moved to pick up his coat.

"Bobby, the roads are a sheet of ice. At least stay here," she begged.

He moved towards the closet, and reached for the pillows and blankets on the top shelf. He tossed the linens on the couch, then turned back to her. "See you in the morning, Eames."

"You're missing a really comfortable bed," she tossed over her shoulder as she closed the bedroom door.

December 20th

The Eames kids gathered at the old homestead to finish their gift-wrapping. It had become a family tradition; the nieces and nephews were safely ensconced at a neighbor's house, while three high school girls from the neighborhood earned some holiday green riding herd on the mob. The family room was crowded with presents, paper, ribbon and tags. Raucous Christmas music played in the background while the adults drank eggnog, and made all their "Santa" preparations. Over the rustle of wrapping paper, Alex and Colleen were in the far corner dishing about Bobby's unexpected visit.

"So, did you?" Colleen asked quietly.

"Did I what?" Alex asked coyly.

She looked at her sister in disgust. "Did you let him stay the night?"

Alex replied, "But of course, the roads were terrible that night." She even managed to keep a straight face.

"Lexie, that's not what I meant!."her voice rose, capturing the attention of everyone in the room.

"Hey, I'm telling you the absolute truth. We ate dinner and he slept on the couch, like the gentleman he is." She didn't need to know the _whole_ truth, Alex decided, blushing. She cast her sister a look that said, _This wasn't for the consumption of the entire family_.

But it was far too late for that. There was a cacophony of voices, teasing and asking questions. Colleen's voice rose above them all. "Okay, if nothing happened, why are you blushing?"

Alex rolled her eyes. She sometimes envied Bobby's lack of family ties. At least his probably didn't rib him about his love life or lack thereof. "Gee, maybe because I expect my life to be a little _private_, sis."

"In this family, are you nuts?" Her dad John laughed, taking the sting out of his words.

Her sister-in-law Melanie chimed in, "Yeah, don't you know we married people like to hear the juicy details of the single life?"

"Well, there's nothing to tell, like I said. "We ate Italian food, drank a little wine, and then went to sleep. _Separately_," Alex emphasized the word.

"Geez, Lexie, you made him sleep on the couch? Now, that's cold," her eldest brother Jack said sarcastically.

"Well, where did you think he slept, in my bed?" Alex shot back.

"Seems to be the persistent rumor at Major Case," he smirked.

"Yeah, yeah, a man and a woman can't be partners this long without screwing each other," she said tiredly. "I am not sleeping with him."

"Maybe you should, God knows it would improve your disposition," Jack muttered.

"That's uncalled for," his sister yelled, her face flushed in anger.

"Now, now, let's calm down," John Eames tried to settle his children. "Son, you owe your sister an apology!"

"The hell I do-she's the one who's been a royal bitch since Thanksgiving." John took a long gulp of his beer.

"I wouldn't accept it, anyway," Alex turned on her heel and walked out of the room, slamming the door behind her.

In the kitchen, she let the tears she'd been bottling up for weeks boil over. Grabbing an old wool cape of her mom's, went out to the back stoop, oblivious to the snow falling around her. She sobbed inconsolably, hugging her arms to her stomach.

Beth Eames watched her from the window, finally getting the courage to go console her daughter. "You'll catch your death out here."

"Wouldn't matter to this family," Alex sniffed, sounding like a hurt six year old.

"Haven't you heard the old saying, we tease the ones we love the most?" Beth patted her daughter's hair.

"No, is that another Irish thing?" she shot back.

"Well, since my stroke, I don't rightly remember how it really goes. But we love you and we worry. Especially since..." Beth bit her lip.

"Mom, I'm fine. And you've been in a cop family for more years than I've been alive. You know it's just part of the job." Alex sighed.

"Seeing my daughter kidnapped and nearly killed is not part of the bargain," her mother countered tartly. "Just like you being a widow at 32. And what would you do if something like that happened to Nathan? You'd feel the same way."

"Point taken," she admitted reluctantly. "But Nathan is not my son," she reminded her, following her mom back into the warm kitchen.

"Maybe not by DNA, but carrying him for nine months makes him you his mother too, no matter what fancy name you give it, surrogacy or anything else," Beth replied. She stepped briefly into the family room, warning everyone the kitchen would be off-limits.

Alex was silent. She knew better than to antagonize her mother on the subject. She did forget how hard her chosen life could be on her parents. And she understood that parent-child bond, as rarely as she could admit it, even to herself.

Over steaming cups of cocoa with a generous shot of Bailey's her mother began, "Honey, what is wrong?"

Alex swiped at her face with her sweater sleeve, "My brother's an asshole."

Her mom shook her head, "Besides that?"

"Isn't that enough?" she sulked.

"I think there's more to it, Lexie," she stroked her daughter's hair. "You've not been yourself for some time now. _Is_ it work?"

"No, work's fine," she sighed, "And I'm fine."

"Then it's Bobby," Beth countered.

She shook her head vehemently, but didn't trust herself to speak.

"Hey, little girl, I've been your mother a long time," she said softly.

"I-I-it's nothing," Alex insisted.

"Colleen said something awful happened between you a while back," Beth shared. "I know you can't tell me if it's cop-talk, but I also know I've never seen you like this.

"Oh, Mommy," Alex wailed. "It's such a mess. Bobby's mom is really sick and we had a f-fight. It was awful, right in the bullpen. H-he yelled at Ross, threw everything off his desk to the floor. It scared me," she admitted.

Beth regarded her sorrowfully, "But he didn't hit you."

"Oh, my God, no!" Alex was appalled. "He is just so worried about his mom. On top of her schizophrenia, she's dying from cancer. His brother Frank is his usual absent self, and it falls to Bobby to carry the load. His mom is needy, and rightfully so, I guess. Bobby is not big on sharing things, and he sure doesn't trust Captain Ross. I only found out about her diagnosis recently, and then it was quite by accident.. Ross pushed, and Bobby shoved back. I don't know, maybe I would have done the same thing. I can't imagine what it would be like to deal with that all alone."

"Honey, you can't worry about that," her mother sighed.

"He has _no one_. He needs me, we're partners. And we care about each other," Alex chose her words carefully.

"You're _my_ baby. My first concern is for you," Beth insisted.

"I can't turn my back on him, no matter what he says or does. He's my partner, Mom. Daddy could maybe explain it better than I could." she countered.

"Well, I highly doubt your father was in love with any of _his_ partners, her mother said dryly.

Alex brought her head up sharply, "But I'm not..."

"Oh, yes you are. And in spite of how he's acting, I think he's in love with you, too," Beth smiled

_**Okay, so what do you think? I plan to post more to this eventually. Reviews welcome!**_


	2. Chapter 2

_Okay, for those who have been waiting so patiently, here is part 2. A lot of this is flashback, but I derived some of the content about Alex's choices and feelings after the baby's birth from "Magnificat" and other random comments. Of course my shippiness doesn't follow canon, but it all will eventually make sense, I promise!_

**Turmoil, Part 2**

"So, how long has it been going on?" her mother asked quietly.

"I never _**said**_ there was anything going on, Alex countered. "You did."

Beth looked at her daughter. "You've never lied to me Alexandra."

Her daughter got up and looked out at the snowy back yard. "I never wanted to feel like this again. Not after Joe. It's just-wrong-on so many levels."

"Can't help who you fall for," Beth said gently.

"I know, Mom." She took a deep breath. "I can't even tell when it happened, but I know when I put a name to it. When I was pregnant with Nathan."

Beth was shocked, "That's a long time."

"We'd been working so much, and then Deakins put me on a desk. Bishop was Bobby's new partner." Alex recalled, her tone turning bitter."Bobby was acting like an ass, he hated her. He never said it, but I could tell. It was all my fault."

"Lexie, you couldn't help that." her mother admonished.

"I resented Bishop, too, even though I picked her for him. She was young and green and I told myself that she would benefit from his great mind. The captain told me that he would have chosen someone else, but I_** insisted**_." She laughed harshly. "The selfish part of me thought he'd appreciate me more and want me back as his partner after the baby was born."

"You were jealous," Beth guessed.

"No," Alex brushed that away with her hand. "A woman in the old buddy-boy system has to work twice as hard. You can't be weak. After all he had put me through, we finally had our groove as partners-and friends. I worked my ass off to get to Major Case, and I wanted to stay there."

"But how did it go from friendship to love...?" her mom queried.

"The day I had the scare with the baby." Alex said quietly.

"The day you didn't feel him move," Beth remembered.

Her daughter nodded, "There were dead cops, and I just _**had **_to stay on the job, for what I thought were the right reasons. Bobby cussed me out for drinking regular coffee, and I let him have it. He took me to the hospital, even before I could call Colleen and Matt or you."

Realization dawned, "I remember. You scared everyone to death."

Alex turned to face her mom. "Mom, he held my hand while the nurses and doctor did the stress test. Bobby had never heard the baby's heartbeat before, and he-he...cried when they said the baby was okay. I'd never, ever seen him cry." Tears rolled down her cheeks.

Beth sighed, "Going through a pregnancy together is a bonding experience."

"Even when it's not your baby," Alex assented. "For the very first time, it wasn't about giving Colleen and Matt a gift. It was this overwhelming experience of having a _**child**_. All of the reading I did, all the counseling I went through never prepared me for that...feeling. Not just that this was how it _**should**_ have been for me and Joe, but how it _**could **_be for me and Bobby. In that moment, Nathan was my son and Bobby was his father, and I loved them both. From that day on, he was so good to me, Mom. He took such wonderful care of me."

"But love?" her mother wondered.

"I know, I know. Hormones and timing and an extraordinary situation," Alex took a huge gulp of the cooling cocoa. "But time didn't make it go away."

"The more important question, does he know?" Her mom asked.

"Yes, he does, and he-he-it's mutual you know," She tried to find the words.

"You've talked about it," Beth reflected.

"Yeah," Alex's lips trembled. "And that's all I want to say."

Just then, a hand poked through the kitchen door, waving white toilet paper. "I'm sorry," came Jack's muffled voice.

"Jesus, cut it out, you're being ridiculous," Alex couldn't help laughing as she yanked the door open and observed her big brother, on his knees.

"Hey, I _**am**_ sorry. It's goddamned hard to be on my knees at my age," Jack groused.

His sister shook her head, "But it gives me a better chance at kicking your ass, big brother."

"Aw, cut it out," Jack struggled to his feet. "I'd never hear the end of it if that got back to the precinct."

Alex's melancholy mood evaporated somewhat as the gift wrapping was finished, and the kids returned to the house. After a potluck supper, the families gathered up kids, coats, mittens and boxes of baked goods to take home.

Driving home, Alex felt a bit better, and thanked the Lord she had her family. Bobby wasn't nearly as lucky. Bobby. I sure wish he were here. After Alex crawled under the covers, her thoughts wandered to what she had told her mother. _"He knows."_

_It was the night of the baby's birth. The hospital room was filled with family, all celebrating the newest member of the Eames clan. Bobby knocked and entered, his mouth curved in a shy smile. In his arms he carried a bouquet of flowers, a cup of something from Starbucks, as well as two bags from Barnes and Noble. He returned everyone's greetings warmly, but his eyes were anxious. _

"_I'm right here, Bobby," Alex waved from her seat over by the window. "Patrick, move," she commanded her baby brother._

"_Aw, I don't want to take..."Bobby demurred._

"_But I want you to," she beamed. "Especially if you're bearing gifts." _

"_Oh, um, I thought you'd like some real..." he broke off his sentence as he sat down. Because in Alex's arms was a small bundle, one topped with fine strawberry blond hair. _

"_I would, thank you, thank you!" she laughed. "How about we trade?"-she reached for the cup with one hand, while offering him the baby to hold with her other arm._

_A look of pure terror crossed his face, "Oh, no, he's um, well, he's little and I might..."Bobby stammered._

"_You won't drop him," she insisted. "Mom, can you bring over the hand sanitizer?"_

_Bobby laid the flowers and bags on the table, and dutifully cleaned his hands. _

_Alex laid the baby in Bobby's arms gently, unconsciously putting her arm around his shoulders as support._

_First impression he had was the smell-that sweet, clean baby smell. "God how many years has it been since I've held one this little?" he marveled silently. And then there was the thatch of silky strawberry blond hair, about the same shade as his moth-, no, as his aunt Alex. Then his face, all pink and wrinkly, with wide dark eyes that were definitely Alex's. The baby stared up at him solemnly, wondering. Bobby took in each little feature, taking time to get to know this precious little soul that Alex gifted Matt and Colleen with. "I thought I'd resent you for taking my Alex away for awhile, but..." his tender thought was disrupted by the lump in his throat. "He is beautiful, Alex," he said softly, venturing to take one little flying hand on his pinky. To his surprise, the baby grabbed on tightly. Bobby was so engrossed, he didn't hear the click of the camera. _

_Alex picked up the Starbucks cup and sniffed. "Is this decaf?" she asked suspiciously._

"_Nope," Bobby grinned. "It's the real stuff, with an extra shot of espresso and chocolate syrup. I hope it didn't get too cold." _

_She took a long drink of the coffee and practically swooned, "No, it's perfect-my favorite gift! Thank you, partner."_

"_You're very welcome," he turned his head towards her and smiled. Click! Another Eames family moment._

_She sniffed the roses, "Oh, and these are really nice."_

"_The one bag is for you, too-the one without the ribbon," Bobby pointed._

_Alex pulled out two of the latest bestselling murder mysteries, along with a large box of Godiva chocolates. "Oh-ho-ho!" she impulsively kissed his stubbly cheek._

"_Hey, sis, share! Colleen and her two sisters in-law exclaimed._

"_No way-I've been on a caffeine moratorium for nine months and I'm not sharing," Alex insisted, putting the gifts back in the bag. She fingered the blue ribbon on the other bag._

"_That's for Matt, Colleen and the baby," Bobby indicated. "I put baby boy on the card because I didn't know his name," he added shyly._

_John Eames beamed proudly, "His name is Nathan Alexander McClain."_

"_Nathan, a gift from God," Bobby recalled. "And the Alexander is self -explanatory." He smiled at Alex. _

_The new parents exclaimed over the contents of the bag: the latest version of the top baby care book, a collection of classic bedtime stories, a child's collection of poetry and a baby sleepy time CD._

_Just then, a nurse popped her head in the door, "I hate to break up this party, but Mr. Nathan needs his vitals done and Alex, I need to check you, when you're ready."_

"_Yeah, do you want to check him first?" Alex requested as Colleen took the baby from Bobby._

_Nathan let out a soft cry, "Hey, little man, this is part of life outside," his mom crooned. Immediately the baby quieted. "You'll be getting a bottle soon."_

"_I need to pump again before I go to bed," Alex remembered._

_Bobby looked at her in shock."You-you're breastfeeding?" he blurted._

"_Just providing him with some milk for the first few weeks," she countered almost defiantly. "It's the best food for babies." _

"_I know, I'm just surprised," he stammered. _

"_Isn't she just the best sister?" Colleen marveled, setting Nathan in his crib, and hugging Alex protectively. "You know you don't have to if..."_

"_But I want to-I want to make sure he has the best start," Alex was embarrassed by all the attention._

"_Besides, I'm going to have six weeks to get my body back, and breastfeeding burns 500 extra calories a day." she cracked._

"_So you can't have the caffeine, Lexie" her brother Jack laughed. _

"_Oh, yes I can, everything in moderation, Mr Parenting Expert," she countered. Alex watched anxiously as the nurse, Abby, checked the baby's heart rate, breathing and temperature. _

"_He's just fine," Abby confirmed. "And looking like he's getting hungry. Do you have bottles here?" she checked in the supply drawer._

_  
"There's some milk here in the fridge from earlier," Matt was already running water to heat the bottle of colostrum._

"_Looks like you have it under control," the nurse smiled. "Alex, ready?"_

"_I am," she said. "Be back in a little bit," she added to Bobby._

"_Oh, I don't want to overstay my welcome," he protested. "You must be tired."_

"_A little but I'll be back to kiss my s-my nephew goodnight," she corrected the slip. "Mom, could you come with me? I need help carrying some of this stuff."_

_Beth rose and followed her eldest daughter down the hall._

_Once in the room, Alex went to the bathroom, then lay down on the bed for her postpartum check. She grimaced as Abby massaged her uterus._

"_Crampy?" Abby queried.  
_

"_Just when you do that," Alex countered. "My butt hurts more."_

"_The ibuprofen helping?" she asked._

"_Yeah, that and soaking in the tub earlier," Alex assented, looking at the clock. "Could I have some more drugs before bed?"  
_

"_Sure," Abby smiled. "Your bleeding is normal, stitches look okay." She paused to do her blood pressure and temperature. "Everything looks good. I will have to check you once during the night, just call when you get up to the bathroom."_

_Alex nodded. "Should I get up every few hours to pump?"_

"_Once is good, if you want. Are you anticipating giving the baby all breast milk?" she looked a bit concerned._

"_Oh, no. I'm a detective with Major Case, have to be back at work in six weeks. That schedule is not conducive to pumping long term. I just want to give him some to get him started. I've done a lot of reading, and I know it's best," Alex explained._

"_Okay," Abby nodded. "Now, how are you doing emotionally? That's a big thing after having a baby,especially as a surrogate."_

"_I'm fine, just getting tired," she said firmly. Alex caught Beth shaking her head. "Mom, really. I'm fine. And happy that Matt and Colly get the joy of being wakened every few hours tonight. I can **sleep**!" _

"_Do you want something to help you wind down? Because you have an Ambien order if you need it,"_

_Abby said, making a notation on Alex's chart._

"_I don't think I'll need anything," Alex yawned. "I'm gonna pump, and then go kiss Nathan goodnight."_

_Twenty minutes later, Beth and Alex walked back down the hall. Everyone had left except John, Bobby, and the new parents._

_John and Bobby were in the living area of the birth suite, talking quietly. Alex's father had come to respect his daughter's partner over the years, despite not knowing him well. He was fiercely protective of his daughters and felt that Bobby looked after Alex well (Although he'd never tell Lexie that)._

_Colleen was rocking the baby in the darker bedroom portion of the room, while Matt sang an Irish lullaby (off key). The baby was dozing in his mother's arms._

_Bobby rose as they came into the room. "I should be going," he made his excuses._

"_Walk me down to my room," Alex urged, handing a bottle to Colleen._

_John went over to hug his daughter. "I'm so proud of you, Honey. You need anything? Because your mother and I..."_

"_Thanks Dad, but you've had a big day, too. You and Mom have a little drive ahead of you." Alex grinned affectionately at her father. She hugged her mom, and watched them bid the new McClain family goodbye. _

"_Night-night, Nathan. Grammy and Papa love you," Beth snuggled the baby._

_John took the baby from her and looked into his eyes, "All these women fussing over you, Nate. You get used to it." He added, "You are such a blessing and we're glad you're here." He blinked back tears, belying his tough exterior. _

_Alex reached for Nathan and brought his soft cheek to hers as she bent to kiss him goodnight. "I'll miss your kicking at 3 AM," she whispered in his ear. "Don't be too rough on your mommy and daddy-they're rookies, sweetheart." One more kiss and she handed him to Colleen. "See you in the morning," her voice choked._

_Matt pulled her into a hug. "Sis, we can't ever tell you how much this means to us."_

_Colleen smiled down at her son, "Thank you, Lexie. I mean, Aunt Alex."_

"_You're welcome," Alex patted her sister's shoulder. "Now, you get to stay up at night," she managed a laugh._

_She and Bobby were silent as they made their way down the hall to her room. Halfway there, she swayed a little._

_He quickly put his arm around her to support her, "Eames, are you all right?"_

"_Just a little dizzy," she admitted, leaning into his strength. _

"_I should get you a wheelchair," his eyes searched frantically._

"_Don't panic, my room's here," she replied. _

_Bobby helped her into bed, and tucked the covers around her. "Are you sure you're all right?Warm enough... in pain?" He still was anxious. _

"_I'm fine, really, just **so** tired." she pressed his hand to her cheek. "Thanks for coming, it means a lot to me."_

_He brushed it aside, "Of course I'd be here. You are always there for me. It's what partners do." He pulled up a chair._

"_Even Bishop?" her tone was mischievous, but her eyes were serious._

"_Ea-Alex, I'm not looking for a new partner," he missed the joke._

"_You'd better not," she smiled. "Seriously,I'm just teasing you," she turned on her side to face him. "Tell me about the case, Carver said you got the guy."_

"_We did. Actually, you were the one who really broke it for me," he stroked her hair._

"_How did I do that?" she wondered._

"_It-it was about two designers of computer games, partners. One of them killed a gamer that the partner was playing on line. The guy, Neil, thought that the gamer was pulling his partner, Jack, away from the business. So, he killed the distraction, I guess you'd say," Bobby explained._

_Her eyes narrowed, "You didn't kill Bishop, did you?"_

"_Nah, I just roughed her up a little," he caught the twinkle in her eyes this time. "I just understand how things, how change or-or other people can...make you vulnerable."_

"_I **am** coming back Goren, just as soon as I can," she assured him._

"_Make sure you're well first," he said soberly. "You-you went through a lot today."_

"_It was all worth it," she tried to smile, but tears welled in her eyes._

"_Oh, Alex. You want to talk about it?" he stroked her hair gently._

"_I do, actually," she whispered. In a halting voice, she told him all about the labor. Alex scorned any thought of pain medication, even as the contractions became almost continuous in the last stages. "I was pushing and pushing, and Matt and Colleen were right there, coaching every step of the way. I remember Doctor Thompson saying, 'One more push and it will be over.' Sure enough, he was out. They put Nathan on my belly for just a second. Well, longer than that, because Matt and Colleen cut his cord... and the doctor dried him off. I could see his coppery hair, and his big eyes...it was like he was looking right at me." She closed her eyes, taking a shuddering breath. "Then they took him over to the warmer bed and weighed him and then Colleen was holding him..." Alex began to weep in earnest._

"_Alex, Alex," he moved up and took a seat on the edge of the bed, cradling her in his arms._

"_And I knew that the moment would come, that this is what I wanted for them," she whispered. "I kept my promise, and I'm gl-glad I did."_

"_I know you are," Bobby crooned. _

"_It was just later, when I went back to my room to use the breast pump, I realized the word Dr Thompson used-Over. It really was **over**. He-he's not mine anymore. And I feel so mad at myself, because as glad as I am not to be pregnant anymore, I feel so **empty**."_

"_You carried him under your heart for nine months, that's normal. I'd be worried if you didn't feel emotional, Bobby said soothingly._

_She looked up at him, her eyes puffy from crying, "You can say 'I told you so' anytime."_

"_Alexandra Eames, I would never," Bobby pulled her tightly to his chest. "Sure, I was worried about this uh-adventure from the start, but I respect that this was your choice. You are the bravest and most loving person I know. You gave Matt and Colleen the greatest gift ever. I don't think I could do what you did."_

_  
"You'd make medical history," she laughed against his chest._

"_Okay, now that's more like it-the Eames snark," he loved the vibration of her laughter._

_She heaved a heavy sigh, "Boy, I thought I was tired, but I don't think I can sleep."_

" _I shouldn't be keeping you up," he said guiltily. _

"_No, I'm glad you're here," she leaned back and looked at him pensively. "I've missed you terribly._

"_We see each other a lot," he stroked a stray lock of her hair.  
_

"_Not like before, when we're working," she countered._

"_Well, you need some time to recover physically-and emotionally before you come back. I understand that," Bobby tried to sound convincing. _

"_You're a rotten liar, Goren," she saw straight through him. "Just don't get too used to Bishop-she's only temporary."_

"_Yes, ma'am," he grinned._

"_I'm gonna call the nurse and have her bring me a sleeping pill," she decided, pushing the call button._

"_What kind of pill is it? Because it might go through your breast milk," Bobby scowled as he laid her back down on the pillow and sat in the chair._

"_Reading your PDR again, Bobby?" Alex countered, shaking her head. _

_Abby came in, after knocking softly. She was surprised to see Alex had company, but didn't comment. She looked at Alex's puffy eyes and tear-stained face. "Everything okay in here?"_

"_Yeah, just having trouble getting to sleep. Too keyed-up from the day, I guess," Alex replied. _

"_I'm not big on enforcing the visiting policy, but you do need your rest." She checked Alex's ID bracelet, and gave her patient a little white pill. "It's Ambien," she explained. "It'll help you sleep, but you may feel a bit woozy when you get up. Just put on your call light and someone will be in to help you." _

_Bobby couldn't help himself, "But won't the baby get that through her milk. I mean..."_

"_Bobby is a regular reader of the PDR," Alex informed her nurse. She paused before taking the pill._

"_It won't hurt him, Alex, this once. The breast is a better filter than the placenta, and you won't be pumping again for several hours. Besides, you need to rest. Remember, it's as much about you being well as the baby," Abby admonished._

"_Okay, you convinced me," she swallowed the pill. "Can my partner stay just until I fall asleep?"_

"_Sure. Goodnight," the nurse dimmed the light and closed the door behind her._

"_You must be tired, Bobby," Alex was lying again on her side, and reached out her hand to him. "You don't have to stay."_

" _Iwant to," he replied, taking her hand and pressing it to his lips. "Sleep, Eames, you deserve it."_

"_Thanks, partner," she murmured, taking his hand and tucking it under her cheek as her eyes drifted closed. _

_Bobby listened as her breathing evened out and she relaxed her hold on his hand. "Next time you have a baby, it'll be for you," he whispered._

"_Can't imagine that right now," she sighed, not opening her eyes._

"_You will, you'll see," he stroked her hair. "I promise."_

_She appeared to fall deeper into sleep. Only then did he add, "Because I can't imagine having a child with anyone but you. I love you so much."_

_Alex felt the words pierce her consciousness, because she wasn't quite asleep. Her hand tightened on his, "I love you, too, Bobby."_

"_I thought you were asleep," he was stunned._

"_I almost was," Alex murmured, her eyes opening lazily. "You really mean it?"_

"_Do you?" Bobby countered._

"_I asked you first," she was awake now._

"_Yeah," he said almost defiantly. "I know it's wrong and this is going to screw things up between us, but, yeah, I love you. Have for a long time."_

"_Really?" she reached out her arms to him. _

_He held her close, feeling his own heart beating crazily against his ribs. "Uh, Ea-Alex?"_

"_Mm h'm?" she mumbled._

"_You didn't answer my question," he prodded._

"_I love you, too," she tried to keep her eyes open. "Don't know for how long, but I do...love you." She squinted up at him. "You thought I was asleep and wouldn't hear."_

"_And you're under the influence of drugs, so what's your excuse?" his voice was tender as his mouth moved slowly towards hers._

_Her eyes closed and her lips parted slightly in a grin, "Shut up and kiss me, Bobby."_

Alex smiled in her sleep. And that's how one of the most painful days of her life became the most joyous.

**Okay, I know...back to the original story. I got a bit long-winded, but I wanted to put up something...As always, I love feedback:)**


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